Harnessing our Energy

It was a crisp Spring morning in VT of 2010, I sat on my kitchen floor with tears flowing down my face as if in a race to see which ones would drop on the floor first. There were cries coming from my soul that I have never experienced before. My kitchen floor, the only solid thing I could feel in this moment. I saw the smoothie I had tried to make and dropped splattered all over the floor like I was trying to make an art project. At that moment, I began to laugh in a way I had no control of. What was happening to me? I was acting like a lunatic. I eventually pulled myself up off the floor, cleaned up my mess, and got myself together for my day of work.

At the time, I was working 20 hours at a health food store as well as working about 20hrs a week doing massages, even more some weeks. 15 of those massage hours were at a business where I was doing chair massages for their employees. This was the first time since I have had started my business that I was really doing massage full time, with working at the health food store as well, I was working a lot.

The morning of my break down I had woke up exhausted having worked about 13 days in a row between the two jobs, but dragged myself out of bed, slowly made my way down stairs and tried to make a smoothie to get my day going. In my half asleep daze I ended up spilling my smoothie all over the counter, the floor, and on me. It was everywhere, like a said you would have thought I was trying to make art! At that moment, I had lost all control of my feelings and body and just crashed to the floor crying. I was so tired. Not just like I need a nap, but physically and emotionally burnt out. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept going…

I did get a day off or two but was working all of the time between both jobs. 20 hours of massage in a week is a lot and to be in a retail job for another 20 it was literally crushing me. I pushed and pushed telling myself not to be lazy, not to be baby and just keep going. After another month or so of this non-stop work ethic I was starting to have some real concerns about my physical health, not even aware at this time my emotional health was also in jeopardy. My body was so burnt out, I could not think properly, I was starting to experience loss of appetite, blueberries were all my stomach could tolerate. Vertigo was starting to set in and anxiety attacks were a daily norm. With these being present, other things started to suffer, like my job performance, I was calling out of work. I was cancelling important massage events I had agreed to and more. My personal relationship with my boyfriend was getting tense because he didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know what he could do. My relationship with myself started to be compromised as well because I no longer had the energy or courage to even do a yoga class, take a walk or see my friends, things that usually were my saviors in times when I felt overwhelmed.

It was time to go see a doctor. I didn’t have a regular doctor at this time so I started with a walk in health care center, the doctor hardly even listened to me at all and after about 5 minutes told me I was depressed and wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I don't have any judgement towards anyone who decides this is the best plan of action for them, but I knew I was not depressed and as someone who fixes everything with honey (not really - but almost:) an anti-depressant at this time was not an option for me. I decided to try another doctor, only to have the same diagnoses. I tried another and another and again the word DEPRESSION from every single doctor! Even though my body awareness at this time was not to be trusted, I was pretty sure I was not depressed. I loved my life, I loved my boyfriend, my jobs, my little yellow house and my friends all brought me joy. I gave up on doctors and decided to just really dive deeper into my yoga practice and slowed down my social time. This was helpful but not enough. I was lost. I was confused and honestly starting to question if I was depressed.

Eventually (as recommended by a friend) I went and saw an acupuncturist. Molly Flemming, I will never forget her. She SAVED my life. I made my first appointment and was so nervous to get another depression diagnosis and to be poked with needles, how much more could my body take? We just talked for like 40 min, it was unheard of to have someone take that much time with me. She asked me a lot of questions and follow up questions, some seemed a little silly but I am sure they told her something about me. She told me I was NOT depressed but in fact I was suffering from what was called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My understanding is that my adrenal glands were so out of balance and my body so tired it would go into the flight or fight response when it was not necessary. She explained I was still recovering from the trauma of losing my dog Grisman (truly my best buddy) and a few other things that I wont go into here and now. WHOA!!! Okay now I am paying attention. This all made more sense to me. I watched her as she put the needles in my body one by one in a very thought out way and then when she left I just tried to breath deep and wait for her return. She came back into the room and we talked some more and she removed the needles. I was feeling a little light headed, probably more from not eating then just having had a body treatment but I managed to drive home with confidence. I got home, laid on my couch and realized I felt good. I felt content, I felt hungry and I felt like I had finally found someone that understood me. I went back for a few more treatments and learned so much about myself and what was required for me to perform my jobs in a healthy, sustainable way as well as how to bring joy back into my life.

I am very sensitive person. Being sensitive and being an empath can be both a blessing and a curse. These traits are a part of what makes me able to do be a massage therapist. A part of my job is to be able to communicate without words, to try to read how people are feeling, to understand what they may or may not need if they cant tell me. However, the curse happens when I take all this energy in and I don’t let it leave. Through my work with the acupuncturist I learned about how I was carrying around so much energy that was not mine, as well as my own. I learned I was not depressed but I was also not truly happy. I learned that if I was going to carry on as a massage therapist I needed tools to learn how to harness all this energy. I still needed to be open to other peoples energies, but not let it consume my whole being and I needed to learn how to let all that go.

Over the years I have implemented a disciplined routine for body movement, eating foods that make me feel good, not necessarily a special diet or restrictions. I try to drink water, but always could use more. I also make time to rest, to enjoy some quiet time even it means saying no to social things. I make time for things make me feel happy and free like live music even it means I don’t take that client at 8am and wait until 10am. I also don’t commit to anything unless I know for sure I can follow through. The one big change I made was to take Sundays off. I know that no matter how busy or stressful my week is, Sunday is coming to allow me the day to rest, rejuvenate and have a day just for me. These have all been wonderful, life changing actions, but when it comes to my actual work, I needed something more to filter all this energy. I looked deeper into visual exercises and meditative modalities, and breath work. I found it very helpful.

During this time of deep heaviness weighing on me and probably you as well from the events of the world I find myself still needing some of these tools. I made a video for my Instagram page, beewellmassageme to demonstrate some of these tools. Check it out if you want. If you are interested in having a conversation, I would love that! Please reach out.

Bee Well,

Melissa